Hostage Stockholm syndrome . . . . bank tellers who were taken hostage for days . . . started identifying with the aggressor . . . precursor to hostage syndrome . . . 1) perceive a threat to physical or emotional well being . . .2) . .person who making the theat can carry it out . . .3) . . . can be lack of physical aggression . . . . over time relationship stabilizes . . .people go to the restroom talk to each other . . .absence of violence can be seen as kindness . . . pereption gets skewed . . .4) . . when in terrified situation afraid someone hurt you, your focus is on people with power - perception . . .
5) .. most people think they cannot escape . . .. perception you cannot get out . . . if children involved might not be able to get out . . . perception is you can't leave
perception of kindness - not just a perception . . in abusive relationship - people who are abusive are also kind . . .there really is kindness.
how does it apply to DV relationship?
perceived threat of physical violence - also perceived emotional violence - emotional well being is at stake . . . they are going to leave them or put them down . . not just physical . . . if person has done it they are capable of making the threat . . .between episodes there is kindness . . .go on vacation together, enjoy tv together, kindness and bonding going on . . .
makes it really difficult to leave you hope it will stay like that . . .hope it remain connected in that way . . . hope we can keep it like this . . . this evidence of this period of time . . . hopeful again -seeing person as the time when you fell in love . . . . until you stop believing and stop the hope. . . . depends on the person how long it takes
chronic apprehension - people who are substance abusers get a break . . . act out, but people who live with sub abusers never get a break . . . never know when the next shoe is going to fall . . .
develop apprehension believe this will happen again . . .
talk bout steps of how relation like this formed . .. . when he calls you a name first time would you leave . . . it doesn't start immediately . . . . if he hit you on first date what are the chance you would leave - pretty good . . . look @ build up of relationship . . . it is more gradual . . . where things look good and the perpetrator of DV is filled with new love and not filled with fear . . . when relation stabilzes . . . fear comes up.
Lenore Walker - first book . . . Battered Woman . . .1979 . . . cycle of violence . . tension building, incident phase, honeymoon phase - make up and rekindle hope/belief change -flowers and gifts . . . .some people never get a honeymoon .. . or it diminishes over time . . .tension building and episode don't get honeymoon - gifts and apologies don't come (over time).
No magic number of time (ie:2 min tension building phase) . . . depending on relationship you could have long tension building times . . .. tension builds , cycle of violence - that happens in lots relationship have tension have argument and then make up . . . . cyclical and it goes on over time . . . diminishing of being sorry . . . . . not a time you can actually say . . .depends on relationship
relationships that are horrific you can have incidents every week . . most people get a little better break than that. . . . .you see a cyclical nature . . we have tension cuz no money to pay bills this month , I don't like how you spend money and vise versa . . . then we have argument and make up . . . that is the difference . . how it gets resolved.
in Domestic violence the episode would be abusive . . . the person would make up but never really resolution that happened . . . . cycle of violence escalates over time in intensity and freuquency . . . .
in healthy relationship can be resolved but don't do the same thing as you are not coming from the same place. . .
is there a difference in your practice counseling men and women . . . .
actually let's talk fear first
men and women differ in fear . . . . research done in late 80's . . numbers of behaviors that women do for safety precautions they do everyday . . .where they walk, keys out, not get inan elevator alone, . . . men usually do not do that . . .most women in their 30's have had some kind of exchange with a man where they are one down . . . .vicarious trauma . ..don't think about take keys out but I do . . . I do go out wit other people @ night . .. don't go out by self walk @ night . . . .
parents give children different advise to boy and girls about going out @ night.
lots tv shows on - movies where women arebeing stalked . . . . lots of DV or see someone who looks like they have been great all their lives - person suddenly goes crazy and hurts their partner . . . once someone has done something frightening we get more frightened by it . . .
if I was coming @ you and hitting you you might feel like you could grab my arms and stop m but I may not feel that way without an equalizer like a weapon . .. . not that men cant be battered but it takes a little morebecause women tend tobe afraid more quickly.
latest research in heterosexual relationship . . .woman hits a man . . .man laugh it off or be angry more frequently . . . psychological response is different.
if people are reading murder mysteries, seeing things on tv, movies involve stalking women, rape, crimes against women . .. women have a lot of vicarious trauma when they see them . . . can be scared for period of time . .. someone try to get into their house aftr them . . .even months later they are still afraid . .. . a certain specific evening when it was dark out . . show behaviors where they look around . .
anger . . different from women and men are viewed . . . .when are women praised for their anger? . . . generally never or in defense of their children . . .what do people call angry women? . . . .you can guess. . it is a perception - judged more harshly for an angry woman vs angry man . . . . judged harshly for men who look sad . . .women judged for assertiveness.
crossing a cultural norm for women to be angry . . .judged or perceived when out of relationship and saying something not nice to partner . . .. not an emotion . . .not that they don't get angry tend to be less direct with it. .
