Boy, am I stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've hesitated to tell this part of our story but it might be interesting if everyone pondered the many facets of this. I'm pretty certain that this scenario plays out everyday.
You all know that our eight youngest were abused. The rapist was convicted and served 10 years. He was released in June on his 25th birthday. The adult who coached him in his rapes has never served time, even though he was arrested and on house arrest for several months. There was hope that the youth would testify against him but that never happened. We walked away with a broken group of already very challenged children. We welcomed and perused every bit of therapy available to us. Interestingly enough, most of the kids didn't qualify for therapy as their IQs were too low. It's thought that people with cognitive disabilities cannot really benefit from talk therapy. Isn't it ironic that they are so often victims? My husband and I were instead trained in how to supervise and process every single scrap of behavior for the remainder of the children's childhoods. It was a daunting task.
Each child has processed their rapes differently. One daughter has serious physical disabilities, is deaf, and has an IQ of 50. She was an amazing witness, by the way. She's so totally concrete and guileless, she blew everybody away. She is the light of my life and will live with us forever.
Our other daughter became very provocative after the rape. She was overly interested in sex and boys. She pushed the envelope day after day. She's the one who is currently being trafficked. I know she went willingly but she does have an IQ of only 63 and I feel it's a crime that she's being re-victimized daily. My heart breaks for her pain.
The other six are boys. One tried suicide over and over until he landed in the State Hospital for a year. We just about threw in the towel. When he was released, he became addicted to meth and began a downward spiral. He's also chronically ill and we braced ourselves for an early death. No one was more shocked than me, his Momma, when he got clean, got a job, and stepped up to life. I am unbelievably proud of this young man. He was the oldest of the eight and he was the one who "told". He paid a high price for the truth but he stopped the abuse.
Another son is a hard worker and kind as can be. He has an IQ in the 70s and has a very hard time in the real world. He's also drinking and using drugs. His biggest challenge is a horrible addiction to
. If you ask him where he got this interest, he will tell you that his rapist showed him lots of graphic
(including bestiality) as the rapist "helped" him walk to school and he could never forget it. The jury's out on him.
Next we have a tender and gentle young man who has a huge amount of shame surrounding the abuse. He also is developmentally disabled but was Student Body President of his high school. He's always had lovely girlfriends and has been accepted socially. It breaks our heart that his DD stands in the way of employment as he is exceptionally kind but has limited life skills. For some reason, very intelligent young women always step in to help him.
Next we have our sweetheart of a son who was raped repeatedly in the school bathroom. He, too, suffered horrible shame and was the last to disclose. He went on to become a gifted athlete and very popular at school. He is vision impaired and very learning disabled but an absolute charmer. He's the one who asked me if he was still a virgin. Given that he's fallen hard for an exchange student at his college, I have my suspicions that he's finally given that precious gift to the girl of his dreams. He's also the son who has PTSD. It's like a monkey on his back. He struggles with it each and every day but has been helped with therapy.
Our youngest son doesn't remember much of the abuse, thank goodness. It happened around the time he was six. He did testify, though, and nailed the rapist with his simple statements. This young man went on to be extremely assaultive. He assaulted me several times. He's recently reconnected with his birth-mother and wasted no time in assaulting her too. He's doing jail time for that. She and I have developed a connection through email and have made a pact to love our son from a distance due to his anger problems.
Last, we have a son who is the twin of our most special needs daughter. He is also very developmentally disabled. They were born at 25 weeks gestation and exposed to heroin, PCP, and alcohol. He witnessed a murder in an inner city foster home at age 3. He was subjected to some of the most humiliating abuse by the rapist. Within weeks of the disclosures, he started acting out against his siblings and hurting himself. He was a very troubled boy with low IQ and multiple mental diagnoses. He required lots of heavy duty meds and supervision.
Now, we get to the real reason I've shared all this info. This boy offended. Yes, I am the mother of a sex offender. I will never minimize what my son did but I fully understand it. It certainly didn't surprise me. He accepted an invitation to a classmate's house. They were both high school juniors in the same special ed class and have a similar level of disability. She had written him very sexually provocative notes and he was smitten. He was 18 and she was 16. They went to her bedroom and she took off her clothes. He had never been with a girl and he pushed himself on her. She giggled and kissed him but then told him to stop. She had to tell him three separate times to stop but he did. He put on his clothes and left. These facts are straight from his and her police reports. He was arrested the next day and gave a statement to the police readily, with no attorney present. He admitted that his finger had penetrated her. He pleaded guilty to a Class A Felony Rape. He was given ten years. The following month, the victim became pregnant with a 15 year old boy. She writes to our son in prison and still refers to him as a boyfriend. They are both obviously very confused and special needs young people.
I tell you all this because I do see both sides of the story but my hands are tied. I cannot call for longer prison sentences and zero tolerance of statutory rape while begging for mercy for my son who was also a victim. This is where it gets so mirky. I'd like to see my son take classes in prison, but he has tremendous learning disabilities. I'd like to have him call me, but a phone is too difficult for him to use. I'd like him to have mental health treatment. I'd like his conviction looked at by an advocacy group but how two-faced can I be? I'm sure that I would once have said that "once you become a perp, you're no longer a victim" but it's not that clear-cut.
Childhood sexual abuse is a lot like a virus. No one asks for the virus but it can be given against their will. Some victims become infected, get sick, and recover. Some stay sick and carry the virus looking for other victims. I don't know if there's an effective anti-viral which will work with everyone. I just don't know.
