Garbage Bags
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course and a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
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Just Fred
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies,
'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Change
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain Who inspected his sailors,
and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad...
The Captain suggested perhaps it would
Help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir,
I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors
Berth deck and announced, "The Captain
Thinks you guys smell bad and wants you
To change your underwear."
He continued,
"Pittman, you change with Jones,
McCarthy, you change with Witkowski,
And Brown, you change with Schultz."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise
"Change",
But don't count on things smelling any better.
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Special Gift for His Sweetheart
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a large department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note...
Darling I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones, which are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she's been wearing for the past couple of weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them Friday night.
All my Love.
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Learn how to respond
When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a
professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely
and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.
Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him , as
he expected.... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the
University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the
professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A
pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly
replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and
sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next
test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr.
Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr
Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and
within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which
one would you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."
Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."
Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger
that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to
Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying
very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.
A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to
him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you
signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
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Private Parts
An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was
anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am
very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was
walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she
said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your
Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr..
Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell
me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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Don't Step on the Ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
very tall, tan, muscular, and with a good head of hair.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
And the guy says,
"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
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The Husband takes the Wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
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:seeya:
. They jumped the car and we were able to pick up my son's car and drop mine off. :clap:
