I'm tired of gloom-and-doom :daisy:
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A Woman Goes To The Doctor
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
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A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell.
A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes, is that a problem?"
"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks.
"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"
"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."
Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.
"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.
So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.
Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.
"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."
"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."
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An Old Farmer Catches A Group Of Women Skinny Dipping In His Pond
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators!"
Some old men can still think fast.
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He Says He's Too Smart For 2nd Grade, So His Teacher Puts Him To The Test
A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too."
The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to him.
The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the second grade and be quiet.
The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36."
So, it went on like this. The principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason why Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agreed.
Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"
Johnny: "Legs."
Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" The principal gasped, but before he could stop him from answering, Johnny answered.
Johnny: "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants."
Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a big sigh of relief and said: "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself."
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Dad's New Wife Tries To Ruin Her Wedding Day, But Then Her Real Mom Comes To The Rescue
ennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
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He Told His Wife He's Going To Give A Speech On Water Skiing At Church.
In Church there is a family that has recently been baptized. After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,
"Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?"
The new convert replies, "Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?"
"On anything you feel that would be beneficial to the congregation, like past experiences and such that have changed your life in a positive way."
So he goes home and immediately starts thinking about what he would like to speak on. One night as he is working on his talk his wife comes up to him and asks,
"So honey, what are you going to give your talk on?"
"Well, after much thought, I have decided to give a talk on water skiing."
"Water skiing! What? This is Church we are talking about; you cant give a talk on water skiing. It would be indecent!"
"The Bishop said I can give a talk on anything I wanted to and I want to give it on water skiing!"
Her husband is known to be a big joker so she shrugs it off not worrying about it for the time being. As Sunday comes though, she starts to get nervous and cant take it any longer. When they arrive at the church parking lot she says to him,
"Alright sweetheart, the jokes over. What are you really going to give your talk on?"
"I was being serious; I really am going to give a talk on water skiing!"
His wife responds, "Well, if thats the way you are going to be, me and the kids do not want to be embarrassed by this, so we will wait out here in the car while you give your talk!"
"Fine, be that way!" He replies.
So he goes into Church while his family stays in the car. As he sits down and waits for his turn to speak, he thinks it over and realizes that his wife is probably right. Talking about water skiing in Church? What was I thinking?!! So he goes to his back up plan. He gives a talk on adultery. After he gives his talk and the session ends he goes back to the parking lot to get his wife and kids and to apologize for the way he acted. But before he could say anything to them the Bishop comes up and turns to his wife and remarks,
"Your husband gave one of the best talks in Church. I mean there wasn't even a dry eye in the room after he finished!"
The wife stared at the Bishop incredulously and said,
"You must be joking! He's only done it twice. Once with my mother and once with my sister and couldn't get up either time!!"
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He Wanted A Divorce From His Wife.
A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"
Man: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
Lawyer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Man: "It made of concrete."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
Man: "All my relations still in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Man: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"
Man: "No, I always up before her."
Lawyer: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
Man: "She going to kill me."
Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"
Man: "I got proof.
Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"
Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:
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