Body Dysmorphic Disorder : A Personal Perspective
There has been a great deal of discussion today about body dysmorphic disorder and I've tried to avoid discussing this topic because it is something I am way too aware of as it is something I have experienced; it is something that combined with anorexia athletica almost killed me. Body dysmophic disorder and/or male eating disorders are very serious issues.
I'll share with you some of my story, which received notable media visibility years ago, to better help understand this condition:
Looking back on college, which I began as a 220-pound college-football player who had never had eaten Lucky Charms or Trix but always had a strict, healthy diet. After Freshman year I discarded football to enjoy the other aspects of college life: internships, bar-tending, friends, taking in junk food & booze and typical college fare. My fit, healthy athlete's body had turned into 320 pounds of YUCK.
I never had been shunned or made fun of because of my weight. I always was the life of the party. I never was made to feel awkward. I was a fun guy. It was never an issue. I hear people say that overweight people are depressed and unhappy. I was just the opposite.
It wasn't until I got my college graduation pictures back in the mail that I really saw myself and was horrified by the way I looked; who is this tremendously fat person in these photos? OMG it's me.
So I decided to go back to my roots, as a competitive swimmer since the age of 5 and 3 sport athlete in high school I knew what I needed to do: rediscover my passion for athletics and get back in shape. I went to one of those fitness centers with multiple locations and joined; I'm sure that the woman who signed me up took one look at me and probably thought I was an easy commission and that I'd never be back.
However I went back to the gym morning's and evening's seven days a week; it became more than a workout, it became an obsession. What began as a fun thing to do for myself before and after work began to run my life-- as my commitment to fitness continued and the weight dropped fast, I noticed all of the compliments on my appearance I received from people. As someone who was already well-liked and not shunned for being fat, these compliments added fuel to my passion for working out. In order to cut out fast foods I became a vegetarian.
I began my workouts at 320-pounds in June and by October of that same year I was competing in running competitions and down to about 170-pounds (statistically my ideal weight) and should have gone into maintenance mode. Unfortunately, I did not; I actually became more obsessed with my fitness and appearance. When I looked into the mirror, I saw the 320-pound person in my college graduation photos looking back at me. No matter what I did or what mirror I used, the 170-pound me saw the 320-pound me in the mirror. I was working out for 90 minutes twice a day. I became obsessed with my caloric intake and kept a diary of everything I ate which averaged a caloric intake of 320 calories per day.
By February (less than 8 months after joining the gym) I weighed 120 pounds and still saw the 320 pound man in the mirror. I shunned my friends and became a totally different person who was not pleasant (no longer the well-liked, jovial person everyone adored), uncomfortable in my own skin and in total denial about my condition. In that same months I traveled to a family function and my family essentially staged an intervention in a very smart manner. The doctors evaluated me and told me that if my anorexia continued I would be dead within months. I was also made to agree to begin to talk with a friend of my brother-in-law's who is a sports nutritionist, sports psychologist and multi-sport coach.
I begrudgingly agreed to this and he saved my life, literally, by reprogramming me to understand that food is not the enemy but the fuel for training and racing. To assist with this we began a plan that I would start to train for triathlons and, in doing so, rebuild my body and see the importance of food. I also began the long process of beginning to deal with my body dysmorphic disorder; not an easy process at all.
A few months after beginning to rebuild my body and relationships in my life and try not to see the 320-pound man in the mirror anymore, I competed in my first triathlon which I placed 2nd or 3rd in my age group. Soon after photos once again impacted my life: I saw the photos of this fit, svelte guy in a speedo surrounded by other folks in speedos and thought the fit, svelte guy was in as good or better shape than the others; that fit, svelte guy was me.
Years and countless Ironman triathlon competitions later I write this a happy, fit, healthy person who truly loves and appreciates life and those in my life.
I could ramble on about this for pages but please understand that both anorexia and body dysmorphic disorder are serious conditions which are never cured but one has to deal with every day in order to not relapse.
Thanks for reading this.