I don’t think that there is a trigger. I think that the situation slowly devolves.
When the controlling person is no longer able to manipulate his spouse to fit his storybook narrative, he no longer wants that spouse. In his mind, she has cancer and though she’s battled it fiercely, it will never be completely gone. All of those medical bills are her fault. He shouldn’t have to be burdened with his sick wife’s bills, that’s on her. She will never be completely perfect in his eyes again, it’s time to trade her in for a newer model.
He decides that in order to keep up the persona and lifestyle that he has built, she needs to go away without divorce. If he had to divorce, unflattering facts about him could become public and he would have to go along with division of assets and pay for the lawyers. He has to have total loyalty and control over his daughters and if Suzanne is still alive, he has to share- and he doesn’t like to share. She needs to be all the way gone, not just living a healthier, happier life without him. Barry assessed the situation decided that it was time to move on.
He no longer needs her so he just kills her. Maybe he even hunted her. (His favorite way to kill). How do hunters get rid of the mess after they’ve taken the antlers, meat and hide? Do they burn it? Whatever he normally does, I think he did that. He’s used to getting away with whatever he wants to do and he sees no reason why anyone should question his story when he tells people that she just left one day and didn’t come back.
He probably already has his daughters thinking that whoever this newer model is, is the most fun, most perfect mom replacement in the whole world. It’s probably somebody that they’ve met already but Barry said that she was “just a friend”. She’s younger, she is happy, (because he didn’t just force her to move across the country to live in the woods without her friends and family,) and this one isn’t sick.
That’s what manipulators do. They mess with peoples minds, and the easiest mind to mess with is one that you’ve been messing with since the day they were born. I hope that Suzanne’s side of the family will be patient with the girls and keep her memory alive so that one day Suzanne’s daughters may be able pull away from Barry just enough to remember what an awesome mom she was and how much she loved them.
All just MOO
(Wow, I just saw that in a full post and it’s very long. Sorry about that!)
This is a really interesting post which I can personally relate to and I think that you may have a point .
Without it sounding like I am blowing my own trumpet and being full of myself, I was a high achieving person with a status and a fantastic salary . My status defined me which I have since come to realise that isn’t necessarily a good thing but I didn’t realise this in 2008. My friends would describe me as beautiful, both inside and out and very hard working with a view to high achievement. My husband at the time was much older and I looked up to him but I didn’t realise that I was being subjected to mental Domestic abuse , albeit I didn’t like some of his behaviour toward me and would ask him to desist, he would say that’s how I met him and he wasn’t changing for anybody. He bought me the world but was disrespectful towards me and I used to say to him that I would prefer him to buy me nothing but to respect me .
Anyway , a very serious work accident left me temporarily paralysed . All of a sudden , the relationship dynamic changed . I had spinal operations, lost my 23 year career which I had always wanted to do since the age of 14 and which I was devastated to lose, was unable to engage in activities and holidays away in the same way , was unable to commit to travelling the world which was his plan ( albeit I couldn’t have done it anyway until my retirement so why he believed that my injury curtailed it, I don’t know), I was no longer the big boss with the respect of lots of staff and with a huge salary , no longer the really confident happy go lucky respected leader of the relationship ( he would push me forward until he was secure in his own confidence within a situation and then he would take over and I would be left behind to play little housewife). Our children were 18 months old .
And I ended up with such serious injuries that everything changed . After I learned to walk again ( albeit I could never , at that time , go back to ski and play golf and play squash etc ), I had to go to a neurology hospital unit and spend 4 weeks learning to live a whole new slower paced life which didn’t stop me in my determination but I had to realise my limitations. That’s when things really changed and we headed toward divorce .
During this 4 week stay , I had to spend time with a psychologist who told me that my issues were not my injury but my husband’s reaction to it . The psychologist went on to explain that my husband was practicing something called ‘mirroring’ and unfortunate for him in his mind , because of my accident and subsequent outcome, he could no longer get his sense of self worth and esteem from me . In his eyes I was no longer this confident beautiful happy person who was looked up to and respected in a male dominated world, earning a high salary and turning heads when I walked into a room , no longer the dolly bird on his arm that he showed off like a bauble . And as a result, I was no longer valuable to him and he didn’t want this new me, he wanted the old , and he could no longer get his self worth and esteem from being with me because at that time, understandably, I was depressed and sad and not able to see my way through my new normal . He wasn’t prepared to wait and in hindsight, I am glad but I didn’t see it that way at the time .
This is how your post makes me feel about BM, the difference being that my ex’s way out was divorce whereas we are not sure about BM. Furthermore, this was not the reality of the situation but my husband’s own perception, and showed shallow behaviour towards me.
So I think that you have a valid point here
@TGIRecovered