I've been wanting to write about something related to this defense and it has to do with what this defense team attempts to normalize which also is a dovetail off what Betty Broderick tried to fly in justification for her heinous double murder.
Not only does this defense insult true domestic violence victims who are in fear of their lives on a daily basis but it also insults women, like me, who have navigated the world of dating complete with "bad boys" and all the dynamics we've survived and thrived through.
There are some very common dynamics that happen with men and women. So common that there are entire sections in bookstores devoted to them. There are movies devoted to them. Some of the best poetry ever written is inspired by them. The pursuit/retreat , Mars/Venus , "he's just not that in to you" , love and rejection dynamics.
It is very common for women to feel intimacy too soon and engage in sex way too soon thinking it's a springboard to a relationship. When in reality is the ending point for the man. As the pursuit he is naturally feeling ends with that act. Then men will distance and women will turn themselves in to pretzels to try and "get that feeling back". In reality, most of the time at that juncture, it's over. And the woman would be better served learning from her mistake and moving forward being more cautious in the future. I will say that I do know there are some instances when sex occurs quickly and the relationship thrives. But this is not the norm in dating in my opinion and most people are just "shopping" at that stage of dating and rarely does a man fall instantly like that and commit. It can happen but it's not the norm by any means. And I think men should not be penalized for wanting that pursuit. That's how they are wired. Women are smart to understand this.
Sometimes when this has happened, a man will stay involved with the woman just for the sex. People will generally "take" just as much as you are willing to give. If a woman acts like she's ok with this "friends with benefits" situation, then where is the man at fault? How does he know it's all strategic in her mind...some attempt to lure him back. But he's long gone and looking for the "new cow" (that's from an Ashley Judd movie Someone Like You that is based entirely on these dynamics). In my personal experience and , as a therapist and basically a woman on this planet with female friends, it is a VERY VERY rare occurrence for a woman to transition from falling in love with a man to this "casual sex" situation without an agenda and the associated constant heartbreak going on.
This was the dynamic Jodi and Travis were in. Yes, he "used" her. But she was playing along...calling him her "friend", apologizing for even mentioning "marriage" to him, escalating the sex. She was playing a game that is played all day long in our culture. This was not an unordinary dance. This, in my opinion, also does not equate abuse. Unless you call a woman devaluing herself by pretending and manipulating in this way self abusive. I know, I've done it. I'm not too proud to admit I've engaged in this behavior on more than one occasion to the detriment of my self esteem. It stems from a fear of abandonment and other things but it is not uncommon and not one side is to blame for it exclusively.
BUT....none of this dynamic. Not one single grain of it, equals a motive to murder.
Just like Betty Broderick. That's an old story too. Man leaves wife during mid life for a younger model. Well, yeah, that sucks. And it's also not a motive to murder. It's anger inducing yes. It's disappointing and devastating to some women. But a motive to murder? No. Never.
It's like this defense is saying "oh your feelings got hurt? Then it's ok to slaughter that person". That's basically what they are saying.
And really, how much do we blame Travis? She bent over backward to demonstrate to him she was ok with their arrangement. This is all over that tape. How is HE made to blame for this?
So, finally, she insults every true domestic abuse victim with this defense but also every woman who dug deep within herself and found the strength to pull herself out of a dynamic she actively engaged in putting herself in, cut her losses and stepped in to her future learning something about holding one's head up high and living a life that creates that "best revenge".
I don't care how many wooden spoons she claims from her childhood or naughty fantasies he served up. This defense adds up to one big fat insult to women.
And of course, it would be a man steering that ship right along with this sociopathic murderer.
Shame on them all.
