Found Deceased ME - Kristin Westra, 47, North Yarmouth, 30 Sept 2018

[bears10]

Relaying information is different from gossip IMO.

I agree. But the information you were requesting was not available to relay.

 

[Deleted member 278]

I agree. But the information you were requesting was not available to relay.

Right. It wasn't. But if it had been, it would not have been gossip.

 

[Inthedetails]

RIP Kristin.

So sorry for this loss.

 

[bears10]

Right. It wasn't. But if it had been, it would not have been gossip.

Exactly

 

[trujac]

Missing Maine Teacher Was Sleepless, Stressed, Husband Says | HuffPost

Not that it matters much at this point, but her husband didn't take her for a "safety assessment", he took her because she was feeling stressed and anxious. The safety assessment is a routine part of an exam in a patient with stress and anxiety. They literally give you a sheet of paper and ask you to score on a scale from 1-5 how often you have trouble sleeping, eating, want to hurt yourself, etc. From my understanding, her assessment showed that she wasn't a danger to herself. I'm sure her husband took comfort in that, and in the fact that a "plan" had been developed to help her feel better. Most people experience stress and anxiety from time to time...most don't commit suicide. I doubt the thought ever crossed his mind prior to him finally realizing she was missing.

Not to beleaguer the point, but the “safety assessment” quote came from Jay Westra—according to a HuffPost article: Missing Maine Teacher Was Sleepless, Stressed, Husband Says | HuffPost

 

[Miamama]

Missing Maine Teacher Was Sleepless, Stressed, Husband Says | HuffPost

Not to beleaguer the point, but the “safety assessment” quote came from Jay Westra—according to a HuffPost article: Missing Maine Teacher Was Sleepless, Stressed, Husband Says | HuffPost

Ok, I see where you are getting that now. I do think that was a slight misrepresentation by the Huff Post, but again it's kind of a moot point now.

I have had the thought, more than once, that maybe the reason for her seemingly sudden stress/anxiety/depression is a result of the recent, um...current events (as in political). Perhaps she was triggered by something that happened in her past and just couldn't deal with it.

I have a child who is frequently suicidal (and in treatment), so I just would like to understand. I was steadfast in thinking this was not going to be a suicide case, mainly because the signs, few as they were, were only recognized the day of the event. It didn't "add up". It still doesn't. I think I'm in denial.

 

[MontereyMama]

This tragic outcome saddens me. There's so much I would like to understand and probably never will, about the various ways the mind can malfunction when it is ill.
I say this without judgement, but one thing I can't wrap my mind around is how a person (as in this case) can justify leaving those you love and who deeply love you, with punishing guilt (I insisted I was OK but you were supposed to be a mind reader and figure out that I was actually NOT OK at all.) It's like transferring all your pain onto them plus expecting them to GO ON in the aching absence of all the joy you provided. Because life has to be lived. It's Tuesday, then Thursday, and someone has to carry out the trash and buy coffee filters. And love and believe. Again, I am not judging. I struggle with depression as well.
I just hope and pray that Kristin's loved ones can heal and never for one minute blame themselves. I can imagine I would replay it over and over. Of course, any one of them would have been deeply alarmed had they had a clue. And as to the husband getting up to check on her, he did what most of us would have done! Went back to sleep! She said she felt better, he believed her. Hindsight is 20/20.
Again, I pray for peace for him and his children. They will never be the same.

 

[Ele Austria]

Mental illness is something we do not understand. People do not think rationally and beyond the one point in time. Kristin was always thinking of others before herself. Not to put myself in her head but I think she believed her daughter was in good hands with her husband and her friends. Even in the way she died - she could have committed suicide at home - she was thinking of who would find her and would never leave that up to her daughter or husband. I do not know what goes through a person's mind when they are at the end of the tether - Kristin appeared to be the happiest person I have ever known. If you were to ask me if there is one person in your life you would exchange places with who would it be I would have said Kristin. We never know what is going on in a person's life. Be kind. Be gentle. Have no expectations. Thank you all for being a support when things have been very difficult.

 

[ChiCubs2016]

I was so sad when I read it was a confirmed suicide. I feel tormented to know people feel there is no way out or any help and the only thing to do is take their life. So tragic for KW, her husband, children, family and friends. People should not feel ashamed of mental illness. I looked at my own health insurance and if I needed mental health counseling, I would get 12 sessions per year. Once a month? That cannot be enough to help someone. We have to do better than this!

 

[Alexsea]

I lived with a suicidal spouse, day in and day out. Do not judge Jay or Krista until you’ve walked in those shoes. That is all.

 

[MontereyMama]

Thank you for your insight so graciously put.

 

[Koshka]

MontereyMama, someone close to me who killed himself genuinely believed that his loved ones would be better off without him. If you are able to wrap your head around that thought, you will see that some people who commit suicide are doing what they truly believe is best for everyone. His thoughts were totally incorrect and his loved ones were devastated, but his thoughts are typical of what serious depression can make you believe.

 

[Ele Austria]

I was so sad when I read it was a confirmed suicide. I feel tormented to know people feel there is no way out or any help and the only thing to do is take their life. So tragic for KW, her husband, children, family and friends. People should not feel ashamed of mental illness. I looked at my own health insurance and if I needed mental health counseling, I would get 12 sessions per year. Once a month? That cannot be enough to help someone. We have to do better than this!

in retrospect I was relieved - her darling daughter still has one parent to look after her. so many people were pointing the finger at Jay. I think many of us mask a happiness that is expected

 

[zea mays]

MontereyMama, someone close to me who killed himself genuinely believed that his loved ones would be better off without him. If you are able to wrap your head around that thought, you will see that some people who commit suicide are doing what they truly believe is best for everyone. His thoughts were totally incorrect and his loved ones were devastated, but his thoughts are typical of what serious depression can make you believe.

The most cruel part of depression is that it is a wicked, wicked liar. Imagine having to question your own feelings to know if they are truth or depression telling you lies. It's exhausting and in the grips of depression, impossible.

Getting to the point of completing suicide is typically a long road. They generally really do feel that they are doing the right thing by everyone. It's heartbreaking.

I'm so glad she was found and her family knows, though. They may be able to grieve now.

 

[Alethea]

in retrospect I was relieved - her darling daughter still has one parent to look after her. so many people were pointing the finger at Jay. I think many of us mask a happiness that is expected

So true. I think your posts really illustrated an important point. I think we have such a hard time understanding and accepting that someone who looks and seems like they have it all together could be suffering so deeply inside. From the outside, just reading about her, it seemed like Kristin had it all - every person who spoke to the media had such warm, genuine stories and feelings about her. I think many people want to assume something else had to happen because we can't imagine what we think of as such an ideal life being painful inside. My heart really goes out to her loved ones and her sweet daughter. They will carry her legacy on in her absence.

 

[jillycat]

I will say this.

Not everyone who dies by suicide is "mentally ill", or "depressed" in the sense that there is a unifying definition of depression that we can apply to the experience of a distraught suicidal person, and there is no unifying cause for suicidal death. Suicide is often reflexive and can occur in an escalating perfect storm. There is nothing more hurtful or frankly offensive than hearing "How could he/she do that to his/her family/didn't he/she realize...", and it's frankly not even a relevant question. One way to think about it is, do we ask why the 9/11 jumpers didn't think of their family? Sometimes 'jumping' is the lesser bad option than letting the building burn with you in it, so to speak (not speaking for Kristin or others, just using the image to redirect from the 'how could they/why didn't they just get counseling' perceptions).

I personally don't ascribe to the idea that people who take their lives transfer their pain. Pain and despair and a sense of no further meaning (the building is rapidly burning and believed to soon be in ashes) cannot be transferred, and the traumatic outcome for loved ones is too deep and wide to articulate here. It's a stay in your lane kind of thing, no offense, but one of the most frustrating issues can be outsiders thinking they 'get' what this tragedy is about for any party involved.

Others looking in often think they know what they would or wouldn't do, or what could 'solve' such a crisis. To that I would say, they have not faced the particular degree of heat or utterly untenable circumstance that would ignite their building. And all humans have a place on the dial for the amount of heat and back to the wall, no way out scenario they can take. I offer these images and thoughts to perhaps lend some perspective in a situation that is still taboo and harshly judged. You can't think like someone whose tower is on fire in NYC if your house is at no risk in Kansas, nor can you think like the person who has to keep living after the tower is gone. You just can't. Not your fault.

My heart aches for her and for her family. This is just the beginning and I hope they find the right support because not everyone does.

FWIW

 

[Alexsea]

I will say this.

Not everyone who dies by suicide is "mentally ill", or "depressed" in the sense that there is a unifying definition of depression that we can apply to the experience of a distraught suicidal person, and there is no unifying cause for suicidal death. Suicide is often reflexive and can occur in an escalating perfect storm. There is nothing more hurtful or frankly offensive than hearing "How could he/she do that to his/her family/didn't he/she realize...", and it's frankly not even a relevant question. One way to think about it is, do we ask why the 9/11 jumpers didn't think of their family? Sometimes 'jumping' is the lesser bad option than letting the building burn with you in it, so to speak (not speaking for Kristin or others, just using the image to redirect from the 'how could they/why didn't they just get counseling' perceptions).

I personally don't ascribe to the idea that people who take their lives transfer their pain. Pain and despair and a sense of no further meaning (the building is rapidly burning and believed to soon be in ashes) cannot be transferred, and the traumatic outcome for loved ones is too deep and wide to articulate here. It's a stay in your lane kind of thing, no offense, but one of the most frustrating issues can be outsiders thinking they 'get' what this tragedy is about for any party involved.

Others looking in often think they know what they would or wouldn't do, or what could 'solve' such a crisis. To that I would say, they have not faced the particular degree of heat or utterly untenable circumstance that would ignite their building. And all humans have a place on the dial for the amount of heat and back to the wall, no way out scenario they can take. I offer these images and thoughts to perhaps lend some perspective in a situation that is still taboo and harshly judged. You can't think like someone whose tower is on fire in NYC if your house is at no risk in Kansas, nor can you think like the person who has to keep living after the tower is gone. You just can't. Not your fault.

My heart aches for her and for her family. This is just the beginning and I hope they find the right support because not everyone does.

FWIW

This is a beautifully put post. Thank you.

 

[eucalyptuz]

Suicide is not always (ever?) a selfish act. The person taking their life often believes the pain, confusion and complication they are causing loved ones would be alleviated if they were not around.
I hope on this thread we can sway discussion away from finger-pointing and hindsight 20/20.

Wishing peace to Kristin’s loved ones *advertiser censored*

 

[sallye818]

The most cruel part of depression is that it is a wicked, wicked liar. Imagine having to question your own feelings to know if they are truth or depression telling you lies. It's exhausting and in the grips of depression, impossible.

Getting to the point of completing suicide is typically a long road. They generally really do feel that they are doing the right thing by everyone. It's heartbreaking.

I'm so glad she was found and her family knows, though. They may be able to grieve now.

The "wicked, wicked liar" part of your post, zea mays, is so absolutely spot on. When I read in the latest article that Kristin was described as upbeat and positive, I was reminded of how we can not see inside another person's heart and mind. What triggered this, we may never know. And she truly may have been an upbeat person the majority of the time. But lies and voices in our brains, and even hormones and physical issues, can squelch that positivity and put us in a spiral--I have had this happen many times over the years. I can't say I've ever been suicidal, but I've certainly felt so depressed I wonder if my family would be better off without me. Not at all rational or reasonable, and not the truth or the way I feel 90% of the time, but somehow my brain almost convinced me of this. Or I'm too tired to deal with life anymore...I'm no help to anyone...I'm overwhelmed and nothing or no one can help. These are all things I have heard from others and my own brain. So important to have someone alongside you during these times to override how you FEEL with the truth--you are loved, even if you're too tired or overwhelmed to deal we will walk with you through this, there are people who love you and will help you!! You are not alone!! I hope we can all take away this one thing from Kristin's tragic death: who can we encourage today and walk beside as they're going through a time when they feel overwhelmed or like those around them would be better off without them?

 

[2manyhorses]

So I am really having a hard time wrapping my head around the suicide as COD. maybe it's like the first time I heard about a woman who claimed Bill Cosby assaulted her dozens of years ago. My brain just did not want to compute that. I wanted to believe the woman was in it for money or revenge or something. Slowly I was able to let go of the amazing man I and others had loved and accept that he was a sexual predator. Our brains really don't like their reality messed with.

Anyway to get back on topic I have some questions. I have been reading here for years. I have watched this scenario repeatedly when a woman went missing and the husband eventually reported her missing. She just left in the middle of the night or they had a fight and she walked away. Almost 100% of the time people are sitting on their hands waiting for the husband to be arrested. They are waiting for the house to be searched by LE and are upset if the spouse remains in the home without any checking. Often members are suspicious when the husband controls the narrative. Also when the husband isnt immeditely worried when perhaps we think he ought to be. This case, regardless of the final discovery, had all the red flags. So my question is this: why were so few folks suspicious? How was this case different? Why didnt LE ever seem to even question what the husband said or tape off the house for an initial search? Why did he get an immediate pass from almost everyone? I am curious. His complete control of the narrative sent my antenna up immediately. I don't know this woman, but I share her name, I live a life similar to her, and I cant wrap my head around the suicide (and yes I have far too much experience with suicide). Maybe it's the way her best friend spoke about her. Maybe she didn't want to air "dirty laundry", but the husband already did so there was no reason not to confirm that. I don't know. I will come around eventually or maybe someday we will hear that there are questions about her death. I hope not, but it has happened before.
Anyway, I am just rambling. I love that part of Maine. I love where she grew up in Vermont. I hope something good can come out of this. And I would love to hear your thoughts and answers.