I am going to recount my experience of being "in denial" because, before this happened, I thought being in denial was a willful state. Now I think it is not something a person chooses, and that it is a response to a serious matter which is 100% unacceptable to the person it is happening to. I think the seriousness of the state of being in denial has been trivialized through its application to other states of mind that can be characterized as "willful ignorance".
This started because I wanted children so much. When I became pregnant with triplets, the first thing the doctors did was tell my husband and I all the bad things that can happen to triplets (premature birth, all sorts of serious and permanent physical problems). We were shocked that one minute we were told we were having triplets, and the next that this was not a good thing.
Two weeks later, my doctor tried to convince us to agree to a pregnancy reduction (they would remove 1 or 2 fetuses). We were horrified and immediately refused. I was 10 weeks along, and immediately put on complete bed rest at home, except for going to the doctor once a week.
When I was 21 weeks pregnant, I was hospitalized for preterm labor. My hospital stay lasted 6 weeks before my babies were born 13 weeks premature. They are in high school now and doing fine, so this isn't a tragic story.
I did not expect to give birth prematurely. I was told the babies could be born any time, and that the doctors were doing everything they could to try to get my pregnancy to last 28 weeks. My doctors talked to me, the nurses talked to me, I was taken on a tour of the neonatal ICU. I was given books to read about premature babies. I was very ill with pregnancy-related illnesses, to top it off.
I wanted these babies more than anything. No one and nothing could convince me they would be extremely premature and have the problems associated with that. I KNEW they would be born full term at 37 weeks, alive and healthy. Period.
Until the minute the first one was born, I was positive they would not be born until 10 weeks in the future.
Afterward, I talked to the doctors, nurses, and the hospital's social worker. The pregnancy-related illnesses I had immediately disappeared and I felt like my regular self again.
They said I had been in denial. I wanted those babies so much, alive and healthy, that my mind shut down to the possibility of anything else. It was not willful.
I know I am basing this on my own experience. But before I experienced being in denial, I thought people in denial were willfully ignorant, that they had their heads in the sand, so to speak. Now I think that no matter what facts are put before them, they will continue to be in denial until the truth smacks them hard.
All that said, I am in my 50s now, and I have experienced serious trauma in my life several times. Never before or since have I been in denial. I am a highly educated person who has the personality trait of facing problems head on, and doing something about them, so this can't be blamed on ignorance, mental weakness, or low intelligence level.
So, if Anita is or was in denial about Joran, I don't think it is willful ignorance of the facts. Whatever she thinks about her son, even the facts won't change her mind, unless something happens to force her to face reality. For me, it was the birth of my babies -- I mean, how could I continue to believe they would be born much later when they were already here?
So I cut Anita a lot of slack because I do think she is in denial.
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