Interesting and thanks for sharing. So your parents never paid enough attention to you and your mother was somewhat aloof?
What about your father ?
How did you come to seek treatment?
Was it your idea?
If you could change anything about your childhood what would it be?
More loving, tangible attention from your parents ?
Sorry I just needed to seperate your questions above to answer them directly. Hope you don't mind!
Interesting and thanks for sharing. So your parents never paid enough attention to you and your mother was somewhat aloof?
My mother had issues with drinking to deal with her problems. She was not very social and was always home and cleaning and cooking, but she wasn't really emotionally available. I believe she was so busy trying to deal with my father that she didn't have The time to nurture my siblings and myself. I remener asking for a pet when i was 13 and was incessant - she was driving and had no affect on her face as i asked. Out of nowhere she reached ober and slapled my face hard from the drivers seat. I am the youngest of 3 and a female. 2 older brothers and me. I had an oldest half sister who was estranged from my ages of 4 to 12. She and my father were at odds during that period when she was 15yo to 24yo and during that time she had a child.
My dad was very affectionate with me one minute as a child and then neglectful the next. My family psych growing up told me he was BiPolar and I can see how. His mother is Histrionic PD. my father until this very day will not submit to the idea the he is bipolar. He is a successful entrepreneur and people love him. He is a lovey bear deep down and is so very sensitive. I often wonder if he is a male version of borderline as he has the same emotional aspects. Luckily because I accept the nature of my mental illness, I can connect with him on our similar issues without directly relating it to being BPD. He had drug issues.
What about your father ?
He was present and adoring from my birth until about 12 years old, although I've been told he actually began checking out when I was around 6 years old and I developed false memories/denial during the years of 6-12 and don't remember it. He was a military man and extremely controlling.
From ages 12-16 i remeber He was physically abusive upon everyone except me and I'm convinced it was because I was the youngest and the only female of 3 siblings. And maybe because no matter what excuses he told the police, they would never believe he had defend himself physically from a little girl. Sure from one of his strapping sons... Sometime around that age my brother and I also resuscitated him from an overdose of some sort. He was on so many drugs God only knows. We had to perform CPR.
From 16-18 he was completely absent and on a drug binge. I didn't know day one day to the next whether he'd be dead or alive. At that point I didn't care bc the few times he did contact me over those years via phone he was emotionally and verbally abusive to the point that I had to unplug my phone from the wall to avoid the incessant abusive calls. During this time I really cared emotionally for my mother.
Now that he is older, drug free, and his hormone levels have decreased, he is agreeable and only has bits of mania where I can't just get him to sit down! Haha. He and I rebuilt our relationship and I have forgiven him. It is hard for me to write of his past transgressions because they are nothing like the person he is now. He began this positive metamorphosis when I was 19. Through drug drug rehab and spiritual/church counseling he has done a 360 IMO.
I WAS COMPLETELY DRUG AND SUbStANCE FReE during all of this. The only person in my family. Furthermore I'm the only person in my family who hasn't had to seek rehabilitation for substance abuse and the only person that has not been in jail/prison.
How did you come to seek treatment?
I think being the youngest in my family of 4 (including my half sister), I'd be considered by family psychs via birth order "the lost child". I often felt left out of the drama and this became more of a spectator of it. Therefore I think I was able to observe from an early age, from outside of the eye of the tornado, the true carnage that mental illness and drug abuse can cause.
People in my family used substances to escape the reality, and I didn't. So I believe I had a more logical perspective of my environment.
For some reason my family members who have mental illness cannot accept it, which is the common problem unfortunately with people who are mentally Ill. Some part of me feels like its related to narcissism, that inability to accept your malfunctions in orde to have more meaningful and honest relationships with others.
I also had low self esteem so I think I was more likely to accept my mental illness. I often speak with my family openly about my BPD in hopes that if they see I have the courage to own it, they can too. Of course if I told them upfront that I believe they too are BPD or any other disorder, missiles will fly!
I sought treatment because I began to see significant warning signs of BPD in myself and I did not want to subject others to the same pain I and people I love were subjected to as a result of the disease. It rely is about taking down your pride and owning your faults to better the lives of not just yourself, but others.
Was it your idea?
My mother had me in psych offices as soon as the issues at home became significant. That's why I love my mother so much. So the idea of seeking professional help as my illness began to progress wasn't taboo for me. The same goes for my siblings, although they are less likely to accept the idea that they might be mentally Ill. They usually went to get meds for depression and not actually counsel. I preferred to do counseling and medication. I also was very proactive in communicating w my doc.
If you could change anything about your childhood what would it be?
More structure and discipline. Parents that were better examples. More understanding adult mentors. More social interaction between my parents and my peers parents. More interaction with my parents and my school. My parents were like a highschool couple - in love one day and wanting to break up the next. They didn't care of their children smoke or drank (my brothers took advantage of that while I couldn't stomach the idea).
My only best friend in middle school had an abusive family as well do even when she and I would run away to each others houses to escape, we would experience the other persons domestic abuse issues. It got to the point with this best friend, as she was the oldest child, that I would only stay at her house bc she was scared to leave in fear her father would kill/brutally beat one of her family members. She now tells me her father was diagnosed Bipolar. I knew that if I stayed at her home with her, I could avoid the abuse in my own home as well as ensure she and her family would be safe. Her mother and siblings meant a lot to me and her mother was more emotionally available than mine. I had emotional investment in those sweet people. I also knew if I stated at her house her father would not abuse them as harshly in fear that I would tattle on him.
More loving, tangible attention from your parents ?
Definitely. I feel like I'm much less self involved then they are. My mother is sweet and soft spoken and allows herself to be pushed around. I didn't like this example of femininity growing up. My dad was domineering, charismatic, evil and good all rolled into one, so I had to walk on eggshells not knowing what mood he would be in at any given time. Caused much anxiety for me. So now I still have issues being around him bc I get extreme anxiety and PTSD despite the fact that he is pretty much in remission now.
