Health advice
1. *advertiser censored**ing once a week is good for your health, but its harmful if done every day.
2. *advertiser censored**ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. *advertiser censored**ing refreshes you.
4. After *advertiser censored**ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try *advertiser censored**ing in bed cause it can save your valuable energy.
6. *advertiser censored**ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.
SO, REMEMBER ...
-
- -
-
FASTING is good for your health and may God cleanse your dirty mind!
~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
You're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
To think of an answer for her first question.
*******************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
And Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
Dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
************************************************** *******
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
Are customer complaints".
************************************************** *******
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
************************************************** *******
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
*********************************************************************
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because the waitresses had big breasts & wore miniskirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Braintree because they had never been there before.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home .... .and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)
-----------------------------------------------------
In A Loo....Just Shut Your Mouth
This Guy was traveling on a highway and took a stoppage to visit a restroom . Following is the true conversion that happened:
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!”
And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just travelling!”At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. “Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, “No……..I’m a little busy right now!”
Then I hear the guy say nervously…
“Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!”
------------------------
Playing Telephone
In the beginning was the Plan, and then the Program; And the Plan was without form, and the Program was void;
And Darkness was upon the faces of the professors;
And they spake unto the Associate Dean, saying "It is a Crock of Shiz, and it stinks";
And the Associate Dean went unto the Dean, and he spake unto him saying, "It is a Crock of Feces, and non may abide the Odor thereof;
And the Dean went unto the Vice President, and he spake unto him saying, "It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide before it;
And the Vice President went unto the President, and he spake unto him saying, "It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its strength;
And the President went unto the Vice Chancellor, and he spake unto him saying, "It containeth that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very strong;
And the Vice Chancellor went unto the Chancellor, and he spake unto him saying, "It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful;
And the Chancellor went unto the Board of Regents, and he spake unto them saying, "This potent and vigorous Plan will promote the Growth of the University;
And the Board looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good, and ordered its Implementation forthwith.
---------------------
Travel Advisory
The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by their droppings:
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
----------------------------
The Mensa Test
This is a test for Intelligent People. I have determined that you qualify. The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you if you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tested whether you tend to do simple things In an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, Put in the elephant, And close the Refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, Put in the elephant and close the door. This tested your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tested your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tested whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
AndersonConsulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
--------------------------------
Senior's Personal Ads
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, slim, 5’ 4” (used to be 5’ 6”
![Wink ;) ;)](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7)
, searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walks well.
---------------------------------
Goodnight everyone :seeya: