OneLostGrl
I'm going against the grain- I'm going sane
- Joined
- Jul 21, 2004
- Messages
- 14,316
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I guess I might have to write you a book - but don't know if I could because even after all these years, it's still very difficult to talk about - but I can say my childhood was emotionally brutal - and I think even now I have many many scars. Even though my father died when I was five, I'd been extremely close to him, and he was steadfast in his love for me and showed it by always being there for me. I was classified as a "bright" child, and read constantly, plus school kept me grounded. I had a tight love with my brothers and sisters although I almost never actually saw them. My mother sent me one letter in 12 years, to let me know she was getting married again but she couldn't take me back, but never on birthdays, Christmas, etc. Foster kids are always outsiders, invisible people, not part of the family, on the outside looking in - it's hard to explain. So it was difficult for me to parent, because I had no roadmap to follow. I just knew how bad my life had been and could never let that happen to my girls, or to myself again. Obviously I wasn't good at close relationship, since I didn't really understand how they "worked" and trust was difficult. No, I didn't have anyone to count on, or to set an example, so I read. Dr. Spock was my hero - he was the current child expert at the time. I guess I instinctively knew kids needed routine, to eat well, be kept clean, taught to be honest - all those things. No doubt it was a huge struggle to understand it all. I asked my daughter not long ago what important things she learned from me (if any - haha) and she said the value of consequences, to have silly fun, to enjoy nature, and to be ferociously loyal to the people you love. She and I both know I made mistakes - I'm not a naturally physically affectionate person, and she knows why, and sometimes I was too strict, because I was afraid for them. Maybe that's it right there - I had rules and told them the reason for them. One thing I definitely know for sure, angels watched over me for those years.
You are an amazing woman with a strength that is so inspiring! May you be blessed your whole life through, you deserve wonderful things!!
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