I am in an interesting place with this case. I get to see the professional side of it, through talking with dozens of mental health professionals over the course of 11 years. I also get to see the personal side of it.
I have been kidnapped myself, twice (Albeit, the first time, I was 7 months old and only remember that I don't remember anything. I was gone for four days, a very emotionally unstable woman lost her dog and decided I would be a good trade.)
The second time was a little more traumatic...ha, a little. It was a sexually based kidnapping, I was 12, almost 13, without a very good friend that saved my life, it would have been a sexually based homicide. My mother never reported me, and I luckily did not have to live through the media firestorm that Jaycee does. Nor do I have children with my attackers, not was my captivity nearly as long as Jaycee's. So those are things that I can only assume.
I had to live through three months in the hospital, multiple surgeries, necessary and cosmetic, to minimize the physical damage(which will never be corrected fully.) I had to work with teams of counselors, each specializing in a separate area, one in attachment disorders, one in anxiety issues, one in resocialization...I could go on.
And then they diagnosed one of my attackers as a sexual sadist, and the profilers started in. I was a hot psychological commodity, a living victim of a sexual sadist, held in captivity for 8 days...they wanted to pick what was left of my brain very thoroughly. They used me to learn about my attackers and people like them, I used the profilers to learn about me and people like me.
I was going to keep my story where it always is, locked safely away, but I have to let people know that I have a frame of reference, not to mention, it's my life, I can talk about it if I want. ~sticks tongue out at various therapists that said not to talk about it~
However, the details are mine, they will be shared, well, never.
I know how slow the healing will be. I know about the sense of connection and, yes, to a point, even devotion, to one's attacker. I know that when you can't break the attachment and everyone thinks you should be over it, you feel like the most screwed up person in the world. I know about looking at your own skin, and feeling like you are branded, that every scar is a red flag to the world that there is something different about you. I know about being so close to true evil for so long that you feel as if it tainted you, how could it not?
I know the processes and some of the therapies and some of what she feels, though not on the same level. I also know that as time goes on, and Jaycee heals, she will be able to take more control of her healing. When I was out of the hospital, a little girl from my area went missing, I felt that searching for her would be helpful to me, and I was allowed to. And it was.
Now, as you can see, I am a mostly functional human being. I am in college, online, as I can't handle a real college environment yet. I have kids, and it turns out I'm pretty good at raising them. I have my own home, friends, pets, all kinds of things that were up in the air for some time.
But, there were effects, some of them moderate, some quite severe. I take several drugs to help with focus and depression and anxiety and sensory problems. I can't handle crowds, I can't handle people that stand too close to me, I have severe anxiety attacks, and nightmares that are severe enough to wake me up screaming. I am afraid of the dark and afraid of bugs, I believe in home protection in the form of guns, and I own a couple. That's the level that I have to go to to feel safe. (and the dog, and the alarms, and the constant updates from Victims Advocacy.)
Jaycee can be expected to have many of the same problems, and these are the common things that I learned from the psychiatrists. The nightmares, flashbacks and anxiety they cause are likely to be permanent, on some sort of level, although it will be less severe with time. The attachment to PG will be hard to break, very very very hard to break. I have described the attachment as well as I can, and although it has been 11 years, there are days when my very first thought upon waking is of my attackers. And under the anger, which is there, there is also some other form attachment that I still don't have a word for. It is possibly what is referred to as the human connection, a form of attachment born of knowing the intimate details and workings of another person't mind, regardless of how dark those workings and details are. And there are always the odd mix of feelings, anger and sadness and loss, and still thankfulness that the person didn't kill you, or just let you die. That mix of emotions, is indescribable. It goes against everything that we have been taught about reactions and emotion. And it will work itself out to a manageable level with time. To this day, although the men that took me would have killed me, came rather close, and subjected me to things that were pretty much unspeakable, I still have and will tell people that they could have treated me worse, becuase they brought me a blanket, they fed me a sandwich, one of them let me have a flashlight...litle acts of kindness bestowed by monsters, but kindness nonetheless, is how my mind chooses to interpret their acts (although in reality, it was more to protect their investment, can't let the main attraction die before the circus is over.)
So, when I say that she will be living her therapy, actively healing, for probably the rest of her life, I am not talking out my butt, I am talking of true experience.
That's my book, and the backstory that several people now have sent PM's to ask about. I had taken it this far, I figured it was time to stop two stepping around the issue, and share. If anyone has any questions that they figure I am equipped to answer, feel free to ask, not about me, but about my experience as it relates to Jaycee.
