First Job
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out
the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
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Ten Times Normal
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
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The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was
evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
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My Living Will
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just
pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
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Good Advice
I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could
spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers
enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Viagra
Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel
eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird
breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"
The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"
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That Darn Cat
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home
and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
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Robot
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I went to the movies!"
The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!"
The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father.
The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
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Tea
A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping.
The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea.
The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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The Letter
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy
we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for
me to come home!
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pictures and heard her sex tapes. Doesnt that make her a child pervert.? Not one person in that sick family thought her brother should leave the courtroom. He should not have been there even if he is over 18.
What St. Jude decides to do is up to them, but at least now many of us have let them know the truth. I have no problem with them keeping the money, or returning it. This charity will not go under if that $900 is returned.
