Thanks Belinda and cforgy. I wasn't really worried, but I had a bigger exhale than I expected when I heard the doctor say those words.
I decided to attempt to explain what is going on in my head the past two weeks, and why this has been messing with my head lately.
I have struggled some with this case ever since I went back and started making clips of my tape with Jeanne a couple of weeks ago to post up here. I had to listen to the same things over and over again while trying to figure out how to cut a minute or two out, here or there. When I listen to her voice, and her explanations, her stories, it is very difficult for me. I automatically want to believe her. Once I want to believe her, then it sends me down that dark path of rediscovering if I am thinking about this right, or if I had some type of a psychotic episode, or am paranoid, or even if I am in the throws of deception from evil forces like my sisters and mom say! (that’s when I am the hardest on myself.) Even if I say something that makes no sense to people on here, I am just going to say it, because this is my personal circle of hell that I seem to walk through.
I start walking down that path of, okay-she believes what she is saying, and it sounds good, so I believe it too. Then I feel horrible for what is going on in everyone’s life, mine included, and think that all of this is my fault that the investigation exists. I start going through the “innocence” walk, and replaying everything that happened as if it were my fault, and she is a poor woman who didn’t deserve to have such a horrible daughter. My next psychological stop is remembering that there were a lot of things that I know or saw first-hand either growing up as an adult that makes me know I would have legitimate issues with her regardless of anyone getting ill. When I get to that point in my thinking then I try to look at the deaths from her point of view, and the losses she must have felt, and the way that all of the financial issues and health issues must have changed her over time. I wallow in that guilt for a while, that my own mother who has had such a difficult life, now has such a horrible daughter as myself to think the ultimate worse things about her. Once I get through that part, then I move on to defending myself a bit, and thinking- well- she did lie/cheat/steal/ etc. which could’ve made me think those things. Then the ping-pong ball of “but she never could have done anything to actually hurt anyone” sent to the other side of my head of “but remember that time that this happened…” starts up, and the game always ends in same result that I can’t justify some things that have happened, and I am afraid of her, and I believe this really happened.
When I get back to that original thought that started my trip of re-analyzing all of this, (and this cycle can take hours to days to weeks to get back to that final realization) then I try to make the original thought of, “she sounds so innocent” to “she did this” make sense to me, and it doesn’t match up. When the thought doesn’t match up, then I think, well- there must be a flaw in my thinking or in the way I perceive things somewhere, so let’s go through this again- and around and around we go. I used to do this walk constantly, every day, all the time, trying to figure it out. Now I can run through the cycle of thinking it through, get to the end, and push eject in a matter of 5 minutes sometimes, and I really don’t walk down that path much anymore because it is a painful one.
When I heard her voice on those tapes, it sent me on the long route of that path again, and to be honest I am not quite back yet- and it is very difficult. I imagine if any of you have family members or loved ones who have committed crimes you could outline something similar to above on your denial walk, or guilt walk, or walking back through the hell to pick through the ashes… but this is why I stopped posting for a while and still have to step way back, is because I am stuck at the “am I crazy or did she do it” room in my head. Not sure if the above makes sense, just gave it a try to explain it.
. I'll have an inch and a half scar on the back of my neck, and a "divit" from the hole they dug it out of, but that's the worst of it. 
